February 20th, year of 2013, diary entry

The state of change between two or more other states of what would be considered a rather fixed functioning within a stable basis, so that such functioning would differentiate itself from any other inside a fixed system of restricted elements is a recurring issue in my existence, within the last few years, more or less five or so, if you take it in account within a great change regarding notions and sense of independence and possibility of interaction.

Those two characteristics, whereas in phenomena of change on a level that breaks through previous estabilished limits of comprehension and emotional understanding of one's existence, have granted a full dose of chaos and pain in my life, which of course it is expected and healthy to one's regular life, if I was not such of an extremist existencialist. The more you change and grow independent of other elements in your system, your relationship to those elements also shift. If you go through a change of extremely high intensity, the relations between you and any other elements in a supposed "fixed system" can easily come outside the borders of perception, and thus a lack of any interactivity may be percieved. Coping with such circunstances is of course expected from a being to reach such kind of existential perception. However, to go from a level far under to such (should I say) high, or highest level of existencialism, a maybe-complete differentiation between one's own self and the ambient one would be inserted in to be taken into conscious consideration, is horrifying. That I have assured in previous experimentation with the shifting of perception.

The blankness and loss of all of your built reality loses itself. That in itself should not be panicking, but the anticipation of such possibility haunts me even so.

That, dear readers is one in many a encounter with the boundaries of the "act of existing" that I have stumbled upon. I can feel such terror even now. I now pursue a new harmony of being outside that high intensity shifting of perception. I have realized the spectre of power through the different gradative changes of one's percieved reality. Now I shall endeavour to walk upon them in the setting of harmony of experience in any and all levels that I may come through.

20/02/2013

Diary entry out.